So, I finally called the doctor to get the results for the semen analysis M was subjected to. They told me that, not only does everything look great, but his count is really high. I have to admit that I was super happy when they told me that but, at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about what that means. Whatever the reason is that we can't get pregnant, I'm responsible for it. We haven't even finished off our first round of the Clomid yet but it made me feel horrible. I'm happy that everything with M is great but it really damaged my ego to know that it's my fault.
We are on day number 4 of the clomid cycle and day 8 of my cycle. That means that tomorrow is my last day of taking the Clomid and then I get to go back into the doctor's office on day 25 of my cycle so he can do a serum progesterone test. He says that the test will tell us if I have ovulated. I'm still hopeful that the first time will be the charm for us but I'm not expecting it.
I just can't stop wondering why we haven't been able to conceive. The first thing that keeps coming into my head is my weight. I lost some as of my last appointment but it isn't enough to make that much of a difference yet. I've been taking my Metformin every day on time so maybe I have lost some but I don't keep a scale in the house so I'm not for sure. The 3 pills a day of 500 milligrams of Metformin are supposed to help me lose the weight faster but I'm wondering if it's still enough. I almost feel like the side effects go away when the pills stop being effective.
I also feel like this is the only thing that I think about anymore! I'm almost to the point where I just want to give up on trying but I know that won't change anything. It would only make how I feel about matters even worse. I find small distractions and dive into them. I guess it isn't a bad thing but it's obvious that it's a distraction.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
I have never been more happy to start a period!
I took my last pill of Provera on Saturday. Here it is, two days later, and I started today! This means that everything is right on track. This means that I should ovulate between August 5th and 9th. Here's hoping things continue to go well!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Recent days
Not much to report really. Most of the side effects from the Provera have gone away so that is a definite positive.
M had been working all week and yesterday and today were finally hours days off and we got to spend some time together. I feel bad because he didn't get much of a weekend but now we have a clean house to show for it. We woke up at 8am today, which is super early for us, and rearranged and cleaned the house. It seems so much bigger!
Monday, July 16, 2012
The little things.
I feel like I should talk about something else but it's the only thing I can think about lately... Yesterday, I forgot to eat. I mean all day. I know how a lot of people say "How can you forget to eat?" but when I'm home alone and M is at work, I don't really think about it. I try to find things to distract myself from him being gone. Yesterday was actually a nice day. I put the computer down! I decided that I was going to get some reading done before next semester starts. I actually finished reading book one of three out of the series that I'm reading right now. I promised myself that I would edit my own novel some but never got around to it.
I actually showered while I was home alone yesterday. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. I've always had an extreme paranoia about doing things that dull my senses when I'm home alone because something could happen at any moment. Crazy? Yes but I know that it is and it's something I'm working on, especially because it seems like M is always at work and I'm always here alone. We'll just say that I can thank my mother for the paranoia. I didn't have the best childhood. Maybe I'll talk about that some day but today wouldn't be it.
I'm just trying not to think about what things will be like when next semester starts again. It already feels like M is at work all the time and, when school comes, he'll be working full time and going to school full time. I know that we can make it through this but I'm really scared about the loneliness for both of us when that time comes. I think we may even need to get another car.
I actually showered while I was home alone yesterday. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. I've always had an extreme paranoia about doing things that dull my senses when I'm home alone because something could happen at any moment. Crazy? Yes but I know that it is and it's something I'm working on, especially because it seems like M is always at work and I'm always here alone. We'll just say that I can thank my mother for the paranoia. I didn't have the best childhood. Maybe I'll talk about that some day but today wouldn't be it.
I'm just trying not to think about what things will be like when next semester starts again. It already feels like M is at work all the time and, when school comes, he'll be working full time and going to school full time. I know that we can make it through this but I'm really scared about the loneliness for both of us when that time comes. I think we may even need to get another car.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
My hair
I think that I should remember that one of the side effects of the Provera is hair loss. Note to self: just because you wash your hair doesn't mean that you don't need to brush it too. I think half of my hair is on the bathroom floor. I have this bad habit of just throwing it up into a bun instead of brushing it and then I end up with one big dreadlock. My goal: brush my hair at least once a week.
Side effects or stress?
Yesterday was day 3 or 4 (I would have to look at the calendar) of taking Provera. I'm supposed to take it for 10 days and then wait until my period starts. It makes me dizzy and nauseated but i can handle that. The Metformin alone (which I have been on for 9 months) makes me sick to my stomach so it's only a little worse when adding the Provera. Yesterday, I got a massive headache. I don't know if it was the Provera or stress but it was horrible. My doctor told me to try not to mix any more medications, herbs or chemicals with the medications that he put me on so I couldn't even take an Aleve. It only got worse as the day went on and seems to have gone away while I was asleep but I'm hoping there will be no more headaches. I get them enough without the medications.
I mentioned before that I was put on Metformin 9 months ago. My doctor put me on it because I am overweight, obese even. In October, at my last annual, I weighed in at 290 pounds. It was the heaviest I had ever been. At my last appointment, I lost almost 15 pounds and am now 276ish. The weight loss is good but the amount of time seems like forever. He told me that my chances of conceiving will double if I can get down around 220 or even 230 pounds. I'm starting to take my Metformin on time every day. I'm on 3 pills a day at 500 mg each. It's the highest dosage that I've seen even when looking at other blogs. I guess, now that I'm taking them with more consistency, I may get better results.
Right now, M and I live in a very small apartment. It's nice because it's secluded from the rest of the house but it seems like it may be too small even just for us. We know that, when we do get pregnant, we are going to be moving. We're wondering if it may be a good idea to move before then. I would like to have a nursery to set up and a kitchen big enough to cook in. I'm willing to stay where we are for even longer so we can save more money but I don't know if there will even be a difference in the long run. I've been looking at places close by and have found some that seem almost promising but we still have not decided what we are going to do.
As far as money goes, I think we finally figured it out. M and I are both full time students during the Fall and Spring and we will be taking the Summer Semester off. We get student loans and grants (trust me, I know how bad of an idea loans are but they are necessary). M works full time and I just do school. No matter when we get pregnant, I'm planning on continuing my education through it. This next semester, we are going to try a new budgeting plan. We get all of our money for the semester in one lump right before classes start. The plan is to take that money and pay up all of our bills until the following semester. That includes rent, electric, gas, cell phones, etc. Hopefully, by doing that, we can look to M's paychecks for food, gas and anything else we may need. The only problem that I can see with the plan is that, between getting school money and his first check, we are going to be pretty broke. I think we can handle that small amount of time to get things in order though.
I mentioned before that I was put on Metformin 9 months ago. My doctor put me on it because I am overweight, obese even. In October, at my last annual, I weighed in at 290 pounds. It was the heaviest I had ever been. At my last appointment, I lost almost 15 pounds and am now 276ish. The weight loss is good but the amount of time seems like forever. He told me that my chances of conceiving will double if I can get down around 220 or even 230 pounds. I'm starting to take my Metformin on time every day. I'm on 3 pills a day at 500 mg each. It's the highest dosage that I've seen even when looking at other blogs. I guess, now that I'm taking them with more consistency, I may get better results.
Right now, M and I live in a very small apartment. It's nice because it's secluded from the rest of the house but it seems like it may be too small even just for us. We know that, when we do get pregnant, we are going to be moving. We're wondering if it may be a good idea to move before then. I would like to have a nursery to set up and a kitchen big enough to cook in. I'm willing to stay where we are for even longer so we can save more money but I don't know if there will even be a difference in the long run. I've been looking at places close by and have found some that seem almost promising but we still have not decided what we are going to do.
As far as money goes, I think we finally figured it out. M and I are both full time students during the Fall and Spring and we will be taking the Summer Semester off. We get student loans and grants (trust me, I know how bad of an idea loans are but they are necessary). M works full time and I just do school. No matter when we get pregnant, I'm planning on continuing my education through it. This next semester, we are going to try a new budgeting plan. We get all of our money for the semester in one lump right before classes start. The plan is to take that money and pay up all of our bills until the following semester. That includes rent, electric, gas, cell phones, etc. Hopefully, by doing that, we can look to M's paychecks for food, gas and anything else we may need. The only problem that I can see with the plan is that, between getting school money and his first check, we are going to be pretty broke. I think we can handle that small amount of time to get things in order though.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Baby Making
I hate to start things off on a serious note so I posted the intro first, however, this matter has been very prominent in my mind. M (my husband) and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. We tried naturally for about 6 months and then my doctor put me on Metformin and we tried that for about 6 months. This month marks 12 months of trying. 12 months of trying with no baby is the definition of infertility. This has been playing on my mind pretty hard and slowly killing me inside. While everybody around me is getting pregnant or having babies, I can't do it.
One of the hardest parts is that I don't have anybody to talk to about it that understands. Almost none of my friends planned their pregnancies, they just happened. Even the ones that did plan them, were able to conceive immediately. My family is another matter altogether too. My mother tries to be a support but she has no idea what it's like to not be able to get pregnant. None of her children were planned. They all just happened because she's nice and fertile.
I know that M really wants this but I don't think that it feels like a failure to him. For a woman, not being able to get pregnant is like a man being born without testicles or something. I don't know exactly what to equate it to but it makes me feel like I'm not a woman.
Anyway, so we went into the doctor and he put me on some things to help. He thinks that I'm not ovulating because of how irregular my girl time is so he put me on Provera to help regulate me and Clomid to make me ovulate. It's a low dosage of the Clomid for now but I have to go back in on the 25th day of my cycle so they can measure the progesterone and see if I did ovulate. If I did, maybe we'll be pregnant? If I didn't, they up the dose. I've read a lot of success stories about this stuff so I hope it works!
One of the hardest parts is that I don't have anybody to talk to about it that understands. Almost none of my friends planned their pregnancies, they just happened. Even the ones that did plan them, were able to conceive immediately. My family is another matter altogether too. My mother tries to be a support but she has no idea what it's like to not be able to get pregnant. None of her children were planned. They all just happened because she's nice and fertile.
I know that M really wants this but I don't think that it feels like a failure to him. For a woman, not being able to get pregnant is like a man being born without testicles or something. I don't know exactly what to equate it to but it makes me feel like I'm not a woman.
Anyway, so we went into the doctor and he put me on some things to help. He thinks that I'm not ovulating because of how irregular my girl time is so he put me on Provera to help regulate me and Clomid to make me ovulate. It's a low dosage of the Clomid for now but I have to go back in on the 25th day of my cycle so they can measure the progesterone and see if I did ovulate. If I did, maybe we'll be pregnant? If I didn't, they up the dose. I've read a lot of success stories about this stuff so I hope it works!
Introduction
Hello everybody! Welcome to my story! I don't know where I'm going to start out or where we'll end up but thanks for coming along for the ride! In the following (enter time this blog will be running), you will read of all kinds of aspects of my life. That means the good as well as the bad. I welcome your comments and questions and look forward to reading and responding to all of them!
First thing, if you know me, then you are reading this page because I love and trust you. Please don't post any comments that would identify me to anybody that doesn't know me. This doesn't mean that I don't want you to be involved! It just means that I would prefer if you would refrain from stating our relationship, my full name, etc.
Let's see... Introduction means that I should say something about me, huh? I'm 25 years old, a full time student and married to the love of my life. I have 2 furbabies (one dog and one cat) that I love with all of my heart. We feel that the only thing we need to make our family complete is a baby and we're working on that one.
Why did I choose the name 'the dancing unicorn'? First, because unicorns are mysterious fantasy creatures and I think that they need to dance more often. We all have some silly in us, so why can't they? Second, because I don't feel like it hints at posting about any one thing. I will be mixing it up quite a bit.
First thing, if you know me, then you are reading this page because I love and trust you. Please don't post any comments that would identify me to anybody that doesn't know me. This doesn't mean that I don't want you to be involved! It just means that I would prefer if you would refrain from stating our relationship, my full name, etc.
Let's see... Introduction means that I should say something about me, huh? I'm 25 years old, a full time student and married to the love of my life. I have 2 furbabies (one dog and one cat) that I love with all of my heart. We feel that the only thing we need to make our family complete is a baby and we're working on that one.
Why did I choose the name 'the dancing unicorn'? First, because unicorns are mysterious fantasy creatures and I think that they need to dance more often. We all have some silly in us, so why can't they? Second, because I don't feel like it hints at posting about any one thing. I will be mixing it up quite a bit.
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