Life gets in the way.

I started a new job.  I hate it.  Not to mention, I missed my serum progesterone test for this cycle so I have to start all over again on the same dosage.  I've been temping the whole cycle and it doesn't make any sense to me!  So many dips and rises where they shouldn't be!  This stupid job made me miss my appointment but this time, I got an order so I can go to any lab for it.  Hopefully that will make it easier.  It'll mark the day that the polling and prodding begins.

I've had a horrible cold the past few days.  I think that probably has to do with work too.  M keeps telling me that all of my symptoms are a sign of pregnancy.  He's trying so hard to be supportive.

side note

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how emotional I've been lately.  I'm sure it's from the medications but I really feel bad for M sometimes.  I think about horrible things like 'why would he choose to be with me?' and 'what if he doesn't love me anymore?'.  I know that I'm only thinking those things because of stress and hormones but I hate it!  I know how horrible it is for me and I know it's horrible for him too when I have those moments.  It helps a lot to know that our love will get us through it all. 

We actually sat down and had a talk about how emotional I've been lately and why.  I explained to him that it was really hard not knowing anybody that has been in our situation as far as having to work to conceive.  I've told a few people that we are trying and I think that, every time I tell somebody, I wish they will tell me that they had the same problems or that they know other people who have had to work at it too.  I never get that.  I have a lot of people tell us to stop trying or that it'll happen when the time is right.  I know that the good intentions are there but it doesn't help.  Other than the comments that people make that they don't even know are hurtful, everybody is very supportive and excited for us.  M hasn't really told anybody.  I don't know why but part of me thinks that it's because he doesn't want to get their hopes up and have it not end up happening.  Anyway, we talked and I realize now that he does really feel alone in this too.  It isn't quite the same because it isn't his body that is failing us but he at least kind of understands how I feel. 

I wish I could find some kind of infertility support group in my area.  It would help loads to have somebody to talk to that understands.

Fertile days and not so interested in getting it on...

So, we have finally hit our 'fertile days'.  We have been doing what we are supposed to do but I haven't been feeling too well.  I think I'm severely dehydrated so we have been dealing with that as well. I've only been feeling horrible yesterday and today but that seems like enough.  I couldn't even eat anything yesterday and, when I did, it felt like I was going to puke it up.  I've been really dizzy and I'm trying to sleep it all off today.  Three or four nights ago, I think I had a panic attack.  M and I were arguing about something and I got a severe pain in the left side of my chest that wouldn't go away.  Eventually, I forced myself to sit up and it was like it never happened.  It really scared me.  

The theme of the week seems to be 'phantom pains'.  Last night, I started getting a pain in my back.  It's right under my left shoulder blade pretty much right where the chest pain was but on the other side.  It doesn't seem too bad but it doesn't seem like it's going away either.

Speaking of health things, we have an appointment to go and get our eyes checked on Wednesday and we are going to make a dentist appointment after that.  Now that we have health insurance, we want to make sure that everything is taken care of.

We aren't going to be getting our school money for another two weeks or so.  That means that the only money we have coming in is from M's job.  I've been applying to jobs left and right and have a few interviews but I can't help but to wonder if I could even hold down a job while in school.  We don't really need it but it would be nice to be able to get ahead on things for once or even to put some money away for a vacation.  I have a tricky school schedule but I only go 3 days a week.  That means that I could easily work part time and still have time for school (and homework, I hope).

Until we get our school money, things are a little tight but it isn't anything that we can't handle.  It just means that we have to eat at home instead of going out and we have to do cheap or free things for entertainment.  Oh, and we have to watch our use of gas.  Everything else, we're good with but the gas thing sucks.  All of my friends and family live about an hour drive away from where I am.  That means that I won't be doing any social things for a little bit.  Eating in should be simple.  I went grocery shopping a couple of weeks ago and still have a ton of food.  Cheap or free entertainment shouldn't be so bad either.  We have coupon cards that allow us to do some things around home for super cheap or free.  We also have Netflix and have shows that we watch together.